Best Short Stories

"'Case dey's gwine hang him Thursday!"

HIS COMPLAINT

To be truthful and at the same time diplomatic is one of the rarest of combinations, and only a small boy would be equal to it:

Johnny's manners had been improving at home, but at what a cost to his appetite when he had an invitation to dine at a boy friend's house! His hostess said, concernedly, when dessert was reached, "You refuse a second helping of pie? Are you suffering from indigestion, Johnny?" "No, ma'am; politeness."

PUTTING IT UP TO THE HORSE

Pat had just joined a horse regiment, and was undergoing the necessary practice in the riding school. After a particularly desperate attempt to unseat its rider, the horse managed to entangle a hoof in one of the stirrups.

"Begorra," said Pat, "if you're comin' on, then I'm gettin' off!"

THE WORM TURNED

A party of engineers were tracing a township line across some farm lands in Illinois. As chance would have it, the line passed directly through a large barn having double doors on each side of it, and they found they could continue their measurements through the barn by opening the doors and thus avoiding the dreaded détour. The owner watched their progress with considerable interest, but made no comment until they had reached the farther side of the barn, when he asked:

"Thet a railroad ye-all surveyin' fer?"

"Certainly," replied the chief.

The farmer meditated a bit as he closed the barn doors behind them, when he remarked, somewhat aggressively, "I hain't got no objections ter havin' er railroad on my farm, but I'll be darned ef I'm goin' ter git up at all hours of the night ter open and shet them doors fer yer train ter go through!"

MAKES A DIFFERENCE

The German may understand his own point of view, but he hates exceedingly to have that point of view taken, even in part, by any one else.

An official who has scrutinized the reports made by German diplomatic representatives to their Government before the declaration of war furnishes this extract from one of them:

"The Americans are very rough. If you call one of them a liar he does not argue the matter after the manner of a German gentleman, but brutally knocks you down. The Americans have absolutely no Kultur."

SOLVING A GREAT PROBLEM

The whole Irish question, and its perfect solution--at least from one side--is summed up by the reply given by an Irishman to a professor, who, when they chanced to meet, said:

"Pat, tell me, now, what is your solution to the world problem?"

"Well, sor," replied Pat, "I think we should have a world democracy--with an Irishman for king!"

DIAGNOSED

Starting with a wonderful burst of oratory, the great evangelist had, after two hours' steady preaching, become rather hoarse.

A little boy's mother in the congregation whispered to her son, "Isn't it wonderful? What do you think of him?"

"He needs a new needle," returned the boy sleepily.

GETTING EVEN

The captain and the mate on board the Pretty Polly were at loggerheads. They scowled whenever they met, and seized opportunities of scoring off each other with fearful glee. Each took a turn at making the day's entries in the log-book, and the mate, when making his entries, was very surprised to find, in the captain's handwriting, the words:

"June 2nd, 1917.--Mate drunk."

He stared at it wrathfully a moment, then a slow grin broke over his face. He took his pen and wrote:

"June 3rd, 1917.--Captain sober."

KNEW HIS BUSINESS

A bellhop passed through the hall of the St. Francis Hotel whistling loudly.

"Young man," said Manager Woods sternly, "you should know that it is against the rules of this hotel for an employee to whistle while on duty."

"I am not whistling, sir," replied the boy, "I'm paging Mrs. Jones's dog."

THEN THINGS HAPPENED

Though she was old she wasn't by any means incapable of supporting herself; and at the fresh, youthful age of seventy-nine she went into the business of providing teas for perspiring cyclists, and storing the cycles of those travellers who decided that they had better return by train. Her first customers were four young men who left their cycles in her charge while they explored the neighborhood. For each cycle she gave them a ticket with a number upon it.

Late at night the tourists returned.

The old woman led them to their cycles with a smile of self-satisfaction on her face.

"You'll know which is which," she told them, "because I've fastened duplicate tickets on them."

They gratefully thanked her; and when they found their cycles they discovered that the tickets were neatly pinned into each back tire!

WASN'T CALLING HER DEAR

Desirous of buying a camera, a certain fair young woman inspected the stock of a local shopkeeper.

"Is this a good one?" she asked, as she picked up a dainty little machine. "What is it called?"

"That's the Belvedere," said the handsome young shopman politely.

There was a chilly silence. Then the young woman drew herself coldly erect, fixed him with an icy stare, and asked again:

"Er--and can you recommend the Belva?"

SOMETHING!

A young Irishman recently applied for a job as life-saver at the municipal baths.

As he was about six feet six inches tall and well built, the chief life-saver gave him an application blank to fill out.

"By the way," said the chief life-saver, "can you swim?"

"No," replied the applicant, "but I wade like blazes!"

NOT ENOUGH SCENERY

The Negro stevedores of the southern states of the American Union have been conscripted and shipped in great numbers to ports in France for unloading the incoming American steamers. Their cheerfulness has quite captivated the gayety loving French, who never tire of listening to their laughter and their ragtime songs. When the "bosses" want to get a dockyard job done in double-quick time they usually order a brass band to play lively Negro tunes alongside the ship. Every stevedore thereupon "steps lively," and apparently his heavy labor becomes to him a light and joyous task. One stevedore, to whom the Atlantic voyage had been a test, exclaimed: "Mah goodness! Ah never knew dere was so much water between dem tew countries! Dere ain't enuf scenery for me, no sah, an' if de United States don't build a bridge across dat dere Atlantic, Ah's agwine to be a Frenchman for life."

IAN HAY'S FATE

Captain "Ian Hay," on one of his war lecture tours, entered a barber's shop in a small town to have his hair cut.

"Stranger in the town, sir?" the barber asked.

"Yes, I am," Ian Hay replied. "Anything going on here to-night?"

"There's a war lecture by an English fighter named Hay," said the barber; "but if you go you'll have to stand, for every seat in the hall is sold out."

"Well, now," said Ian Hay, "isn't that provoking? It's always my luck to have to stand when that chap Hay lectures."

CAMOUFLAGE

After a "push" some of the lads of the Northumberland Fusiliers who entered one of the captured villages set about making things comfortable for themselves. Seeing a large wooden box some distance away, they made tracks to commandeer it On the way back an officer met them and queried:

"Here, lads, where are you going with that?"

"This old egg-box, sir--we're taking it along to our dug-out, sir," one of them explained.

"Egg-box be hanged!" retorted the officer.

"Why, that's the general's roll-top desk!"

HAPPY ENDING WANTED

A charming, auburn-haired nurse tells the story. She bent over the bed of one badly wounded man and asked him if he would like anything to read. The soldier fixed a humorous eye on her and said, "Miss, can you get me a nice novel? I'd like one about a golden-haired girl and a wounded soldier with a happy ending." After this the pretty nurse looks down contemptuously on civilian compliments.

A SKEPTIC

A colored Baptist was exhorting. "Now, breddern and sistern, come up to de altar and have yo' sins washed away."

All came up but one man.

"Why, Brudder Jones, don't yo' want yo' sins washed away?"

"I done had my sins washed away."

"Yo' has? Where yo' had yo' sins washed away?"

"Ober at de Methodist church."

"Ah, Brudder Jones, yo' ain't been washed, yo' jes' been dry cleaned."

A PERSON OF DISCERNMENT

A Quaker had got himself into trouble with the authorities, and a constable called to escort him to the lock-up.

"Is your husband in?" he inquired of the good wife who came to the door.

"My husband will see thee," she replied. "Come in."

The officer entered, was bidden to make himself at home, and was hospitably entertained for half an hour, but no husband appeared. At last he grew impatient.

"Look here," said he, "I thought you said your husband would see me."

"He has seen thee," was the calm reply, "but he did not like thy look, and so he's gone another way."

AN OLD HAND

After two months at Rockford Private Nelson got his leave at last, and made what he conceived to be the best use of his holiday by getting married.

On the journey back at the station he gave the gateman his marriage certificate in mistake for his return railway ticket.

The official studied it carefully, and then said: "Yes, my boy, you've got a ticket for a long, wearisome journey, but not on this road."

A TRUE OPTIMIST

It was Christmas Eve in camp, and very cold at that. There was a certain amount of confusion owing to the Christmas festivities and leave, and so forth, and one man was unable to find any of his outer garments. He wandered about, asking all his mates if they knew where they were.

"Has any one seen my b-b-blanket?" he demanded, and was told that no one had.

"Has any one seen my t-t-trousers?"

No answer.

The unfortunate Tommy scratched his head for a moment.

"Well, I'm jolly g-g-glad I have got a nice w-w-warm pair of sus-sus-suspenders."

TIT FOR TAT

The young couple were dawdling over a late breakfast after a night at an ultra smart party.

"Was it you I kissed in the conservatory last night?" hubby inquired.

She looked at him reminiscently: "About what time was it?"

TOO GOOD TO BE WASTED

A lady of great beauty and attractiveness, who was an ardent admirer of Ireland, once crowned her praise of it at a party by saying:

"I think I was meant for an Irishwoman."

"Madam," rejoined a witty son of Erin, who happened to be present, "thousands would back me in saying you were meant for an Irishman."

HE UNDERSTOOD

The pale-faced passenger looked out of the car window with exceeding interest. Finally he turned to his seat mate.

"You likely think I never rode in the cars before," he said, "but the fact is, pardner, I just got out of prison this mornin' and it does me good to look around. It is goin' to be mighty tough, though, facin' my old-time friends. I s'pose, though, you ain't got much idea how a man feels in a case like that."

"Perhaps I have a better idea of your feelings than you think," said the other gentleman, with a sad smile. "I am just getting home from Congress."

TOUCHY

Lysander, a farm hand, was recounting his troubles to a neighbor. Among other things he said that the wife of the farmer who employed him was "too close for any use." "This very mornin'," said he, "she asked me: 'Lysander, do you know how many pancakes you have et this mornin'?' I said, 'No, ma'am; I ain't had no occasion to count 'em,' 'Well,' says she, 'that last one was the twenty-sixth.' And it made me so mad I jest got up from the table and went to work without my breakfast!"

THE INTELLIGENT CAT

Two suburban gardeners were swearing vengeance on cats.

"It appears to me," one said, "that they seem to pick out your choicest plants to scratch out of the ground."

"There's a big tomcat," the other said, "that fetches my plants out and then sits and actually defies me."

"Why don't you hurl a brick at him?" asked the first speaker.

"That's what makes me mad," was the reply. "I can't. He gets on top of my greenhouse to defy me."

PRIDE

A little boy was on his knees recently one night, and auntie, staying at the house, was present.

"It is a pleasure," she said to him, afterward, "to hear you saying your prayers so well. You speak so earnestly and seriously, and mean what you say, and care about it."

"Ah!" he answered, "ah, but, auntie, you should hear me gargle!"

ROBBING HIMSELF

"Germany's claim that she imports nothing, buys only of herself, and so is growing rich from the war, is a dreadful fallacy."

The speaker was Herbert C. Hoover, chairman of the American Food Board.

"Germany," he went on, "is like the young man who wisely thought he'd grow his own garden stuff. This young man had been digging for about an hour when his spade turned up a quarter. Ten minutes later he found another quarter. Then he found a dime. Then he found a quarter again.

"'By gosh!' he said, 'I've struck a silver mine,' and, straightening up, he felt something cold slide down his leg. Another quarter lay at his feet. He grasped the truth: There was a hole in his pocket."

PESSIMISTS

Out at the front two regiments, returning to the trenches, chanced to meet. There was the usual exchange of wit.

"When's the bloomin' war goin' to end?" asked one north-country lad.

"Dunno," replied one of the south-shires. "We've planted some daffydils in front of our trench."

"Bloomin' optimists!" snorted the man from the north. "We've planted acorns."

DELAYED

The way they take air raids in England is illustrated by the following conversation from Punch:

"Just ask Dr. Jones to run round to my place right away. Our cook's fallen downstairs--broke her leg; the housemaid's got chicken-pox, and my two boys have been knocked down by a taxi."

"I'm sorry, sir, but the doctor was blown up in yesterday's air raid, and he won't be down for a week."

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