Best Short Stories

"Well," countered Mr. Wu, "why do you wear your foolish moustache?"

"Oh, that's different," said the Chicago man; "you see I've got an impossible mouth."

"So I should suppose," retorted Mr. Wu, "judging from some of your remarks."

HIS SEARCH FOR THE PRACTICAL

"Now," it was explained to Aladdin, "this is a wonderful lamp. Rub it and a genie appears."

"I see little to that," he replied. "What I want is a lamp that won't go out on my automobile and get me pinched by a traffic cop."

HARD UP FOR WIND

Everything in the dear old village seemed the same to Jones after his absence of four years. The old church, the village pump, the ducks on the green, the old men smoking while their wives gossip--it was so restful after the rush and bustle of the city. Suddenly he missed something.

"Where's Hodge's windmill?" he asked in surprise. "I can only see one mill, and there used to be two."

The native gazed thoughtfully round, as if to verify the statement. Then he said slowly:

"They pulled one down. There weren't enough wind for two on'em!"

HE KNEW BRYAN

At a recent political convention two of the delegates were discussing the religious affiliations of prominent statesmen, when one of them, a Baptist, observed to the other, who was a Methodist:

"I understand that William Jennings Bryan has turned Baptist."

"What?" exclaimed the Methodist. "Why, that can't be!"

"Yes, it is," persisted the Baptist.

"No, sir," continued the Methodist; "it can't be true. To become a Baptist one must be entirely immersed."

"Yes, that is very true; but what has that to do with it?"

"Simply this," returned the Methodist: "Mr. Bryan would never consent to disappear from public view as long as that."

HIS NEED

John Hendricks, a singular Western character, awoke one morning to find himself wealthy through a rich mining strike. Soon he concluded to broaden his mind by travel, and decided to go to Europe Boarding the ship, he singled out the captain and said: "Captain, if I understand the way this here ship is constructed it's got several water-tight compartments?"

"Yes, sir."

"Water's all on the outside--can't none get in nohow?"

"No, sir."

"Captain," said Hendricks, decidedly, "I want one o' them compartments--I don't care what it costs extry."

ALL OR NOTHING

Senator Jim Nye of Nebraska tells this story to illustrate some of the evils of prohibition. The Senator said, apropos of his visit to a "dry" town.

"After a long speech and then talking to all the magnates of the neighborhood, I went to bed dry as a powder horn. I could not sleep and as soon as it was daylight I went down into the dining room: As I sat there the mistress of the house came in and said 'Senator, you are up early.' I said: 'Yes, living in the West so long, I am afflicted with malaria, and I could not sleep.' She went over to a tea caddy, took out a bottle and said: 'Senator, this is a prohibition town, you know, but we have malaria and we find this a good antidote. I know it will do you good.'"

The Senator seized the bottle with avidity and thankfulness. He settled again in his seat by the window, more in harmony with the world. Then the head of the house came in and said: "Senator, you are up early." He replied: "Yes, malaria, you know." "Well," said the old gentleman, "we have a cure for that. This is a prohibition town; it is good thing for our work people; but I have a little safety in my locker," and he produced a bottle.

After the old gentleman left the two sons came in and said: "Senator, are you fond of livestock?" The Senator by that time was fond of everything and everybody. He said: "Yes, I love livestock, I have plenty of it on my ranch." They said: "Come out to the barn and we will show you some." They took him out to the barn, closed the doors, and said: "Senator, we know you must have had a hard time last night. We have no livestock but we have a bottle in the haymow." Senator Nye then said:

"The trouble with a prohibition town is that when you most need it you can't get it, and when it does come it is like a Western flood, too much of it."

BUSINESS IS BUSINESS

Eugene was a very mischievous little boy and his mother's patience was worn to the limit. She had spoken very nicely to him several times without effect. Finally she said:

"You are a perfect little heathen!"

"Do you mean it?" demanded Eugene.

"Indeed, I do," said the mother.

"Then, mother," said the boy, "why can't I keep that ten cents a week you gimme for the Sunday-school collection? I guess I'm as hard up as any of the rest of 'em."

THE BOOTBLACK'S GENEROSITY

When Paderewski was on his last visit to America he was in a Boston suburb, when he was approached by a bootblack who called:

"Shine?"

The great pianist looked down at the youth whose face was streaked with grime and said:

"No, my lad, but if you will wash your face I will give you a quarter."

"All right!" exclaimed the youth, who forthwith ran to a neighboring trough and made his ablutions.

When he returned Paderewski held out the quarter, which the boy took but immediately handed back, saying:

"Here, Mister, you take it yourself and get your hair cut."

ON DUTY ELSEWHERE

An Irish soldier had lost an eye in battle, but was allowed to continue in the service on consenting to have a glass eye in its place. One day, however, he appeared on parade without his artificial eye.

"Nolan," said the officer, "you are not properly dressed. Why is your artificial eye not in its place?"

"Sure, sir," replied Nolan, "I left it in me box to keep an eye on me kit while I'm on parade."

THE KAISER'S LAST WORD

Arthur Train, the novelist, put down a German newspaper at the Century Club, in New York, with an impatient grunt.

"It says here," he explained, "that it is Germany who will speak the last word in this war."

Then the novelist laughed angrily and added:

"Yes, Germany will speak the last word in the war, and that last word will be 'Kamerad!'"

A REVISED CLASSIC--THE SLEEPING BEAUTY

When the Prince entered the enchanted castle he noticed about it an air of unusual quiet, as if there were a meeting of the American Peace Society.

"Everybody is asleep," he muttered. "There isn't a single defense gun mounted on a parapet. I don't believe there is a rifle on the premises. No ammunition, either."

Walking rapidly upstairs, he saw a couple of servants lying prone.

"This reminds me of the time I lived in the suburbs," he continued.

Entering one of the sleeping-rooms, he discovered the celebrated beauty, sound asleep, in the four-poster.

"This must be a frame-up," he observed. "I see it all. If I wake her up, I shall have to marry her."

He was about to pass down the stairs, when a voice stopped him.

"Well, why not?" said the voice. "The young woman has not received a modern education. She cannot drive a motor, play bridge, insist upon your going to the most fashionable restaurant and ordering eight dollars' worth of worthless imitation food, dance like a fiend, and spend money generally like the manager of an international war. She's been asleep so long that she might be just the one you want."

"By Jove!" exclaimed the Prince. "And to think I might have gone off without her!" So saying, he did the proper thing.

SPECIALLY ENDOWED

"Some un sick at yo' house, Mis' Carter?" inquired Lila. "Ah seed de doctah's kyar eroun' dar yestidy."

"It was for my brother, Lila."

"Sho! What's he done got de matter of 'im?"

"Nobody seems to know what the disease is. He can eat and sleep as well as ever, he stays out all day long on the veranda in the sun, and seems as well as anyone, but he can't do any work at all."

"He cain't--yo' says he cain't work?"

"Not a stroke."

"Law, Mis' Carter, dat ain't no disease what yo' broth' got. Dat's a gif!"

NO JOQUE

The difficulties of western journalism are illustrated by the following notice from The Rocky Mountain Cyclone:

AD ASTRA PER ASPERA

We begin the publication ov the Rocy Mountain Cyclone with some phew diphiculties in the way. The type phounder phrom whom we bought our outphit phor this printing ophice phailed to supply us with any ephs or cays, and it will be phour or phive weex bephore we can get any. We have ordered the missing letters and will have to get along without them until they come. We don't lique the loox ov this variety ov spelling any better than our readers, but mistaix will happen in the best ov regulated phamilies, and iph the ephs and c's and x's and q's hold out we shall ceep (sound the c hard) the Cyclone whirling aphter a phashion till the sorts arrive. It is no joque to us, it's a serious aphair.

ELIMINATION

To meet every situation which arises, and to do it in diplomatic language, is only the gift of the elect:

"Waiter, bring me two fried eggs, some ham, a cup of coffee, and a roll," said a traveler in a city of the Middle West.

"Bring me the same," said his friend, "but eliminate the eggs."

"Yessir," said the waiter.

In a moment he came back, leaned confidentially and penitently over the table, and whispered:

"We 'ad a bad accident just before we opened this mornin', sir, and the 'andle of the liminator got busted off. Will you take yer eggs fried, same as this 'ere gentleman?"

HIS GREAT AMBITION

No true American likes to acknowledge that he has a superior, even in his own family.

Little Sydney had reached the mature age of three and was about to discard petticoats for the more manly raiment of knickerbockers. The mother had determined to make the occasion a memorable one. The breakfast table was laden with good things when the newly breeched infant was led into the room.

"Ah!" exclaimed the proud mother, "now you are a little man!"

Sydney, thoughtfully displaying his garments to their full advantage, edged close to his mother and whispered, "Can I call pa Bill now?"

GUIDE

Our boys in France need little guidance to become on good terms with the French girls. The following hints at conversation have therefore been made as simple as possible:

  Bong swah, mad-mwa-zell! Vou zay tray beautiful.   Kesker say votr name?   Zhe swee Edward Jones.   Vooley voo take a walk?   Eecy ate oon fine place to sit down.   Bokoo moon to-night, nace paw?   Avay voo ever studied palmistry?   Donney mwa votr hand.   Votr hand ay tray soft!   Dahn lay Zaytah Unee are bokoo girls, may voo zay more beautiful     than any of them.   Chay mwa zhe nay pah seen a girl that could touch voo!   Voo zay oon peach!   Le coleur de votr yer ay tray beautiful.   Votr dress ay bokoo dress.   Donney mwa oon kiss?   Zhe voo zame!

APPREHENDING THE KAISER

Early in the war the Kaiser was haled before a Virginia court. At least that was the intention of Charles L. Zoll, justice of the peace of Broad Run district, Loudoun County, who delivered into the hands of the Sheriff this warrant:

   Commonwealth of Virginia, County of Loudoun, to wit:

   To the Sheriff of the said county:

   Wheras, Woodrow Wilson has this day made oath before me, a justice of    said court, that William Hohan Zollern, alias Wilhelm, has at various    times and places between July, 1914, and November, 1917, committed    murder, assault, and arson upon the bodies of various people and    sundry properties, against the peace and dignity of the Government of    the United States, the State of Virginia and Broad Run district in    particular.

   These are therefore in the name of the Commonwealth of Virginia and    the Government of the United States to command you to forthwith    apprehend the said William Hohan Zollern, alias Kaiser Wilhelm, and    bring his body before me at my office in Aushburn, Va., to answer    said charges, and there and then be dealt with according to law.

   And by the power vested in me I hereby extend your jurisdiction to    the Continent of Europe and I do by these presents declare the said    William Hohan Zollern, alias Kaiser Wilhelm, to be an outlaw, and    offer as a reward for his apprehension three barrels of corn, five    bushels of potatoes and meat of ham, said ham to weigh not less than    twenty-one pounds nor more than thirty-five pounds.

   And you are moreover required to summon Marshal Joffre, Albert, King    of the Belgians; Victor Emanuel of Italy and George V to appear at    same time and place as witnesses in behalf of the Commonwealth    touching the matter said complaint.

   Given under my hand and seal this 28th day of November, 1917.

   CHARLES L. ZOLL, Justice of the Peace.

JUSTICE TO T. R.

In the English royal library at Windsor, in the centre of the magazine table, there is a large album of pictures of many eminent and popular men and women of the day. This book is divided into sections--a section for each calling or profession. Some years ago Prince Edward, in looking through the book, came across the pages devoted to the pictures of the rulers of the various nations. Prominently placed among these was a large photograph of Colonel Roosevelt.

"Father," asked Prince Edward, placing his finger on the Colonel's picture, "Mr. Roosevelt is a very clever man, isn't he?"

"Yes, child," answered King George with a smile. "He is a great and good man. In some respects I look upon him as a genius."

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