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MISTRESS PAGE
Indeed!
MISTRESS FORD
No, certainly. [Aside to her]
Speak louder.
MISTRESS PAGE
Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here.
MISTRESS FORD
Why?
MISTRESS PAGE
Why, woman, your husband is in his old lines again:
he so takes on yonder with my husband; so rails
against all married mankind; so curses all Eve's
daughters, of what complexion soever; and so buffets
himself on the forehead, crying, 'Peer out, peer
out!' that any madness I ever yet beheld seemed but
tameness, civility and patience, to this his
distemper he is in now: I am glad the fat knight is not here.
MISTRESS FORD
Why, does he talk of him?
MISTRESS PAGE
Of none but him; and swears he was carried out, the
last time he searched for him, in a basket; protests
to my husband he is now here, and hath drawn him and
the rest of their company from their sport, to make
another experiment of his suspicion: but I am glad
the knight is not here; now he shall see his own foolery.
MISTRESS FORD
How near is he, Mistress Page?
MISTRESS PAGE
Hard by; at street end; he will be here anon.
MISTRESS FORD
I am undone! The knight is here.
MISTRESS PAGE
Why then you are utterly shamed, and he's but a dead
man. What a woman are you!--Away with him, away
with him! better shame than murder.
FORD
Which way should be go? how should I bestow him?
Shall I put him into the basket again?
Re-enter FALSTAFF
FALSTAFF
No, I'll come no more i' the basket. May I not go
out ere he come?
MISTRESS PAGE
Alas, three of Master Ford's brothers watch the door
with pistols, that none shall issue out; otherwise
you might slip away ere he came. But what make you here?
FALSTAFF
What shall I do? I'll creep up into the chimney.
MISTRESS FORD
There they always use to discharge their
birding-pieces. Creep into the kiln-hole.
FALSTAFF
Where is it?
MISTRESS FORD
He will seek there, on my word. Neither press,
coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an
abstract for the remembrance of such places, and
goes to them by his note: there is no hiding you in the house.
FALSTAFF
I'll go out then.
MISTRESS PAGE
If you go out in your own semblance, you die, Sir
John. Unless you go out disguised--
MISTRESS FORD
How might we disguise him?
MISTRESS PAGE
Alas the day, I know not! There is no woman's gown
big enough for him otherwise he might put on a hat,
a muffler and a kerchief, and so escape.
FALSTAFF
Good hearts, devise something: any extremity rather
than a mischief.
MISTRESS FORD
My maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brentford, has a
gown above.
MISTRESS PAGE
On my word, it will serve him; she's as big as he
is: and there's her thrummed hat and her muffler
too. Run up, Sir John.
MISTRESS FORD
Go, go, sweet Sir John: Mistress Page and I will
look some linen for your head.
MISTRESS PAGE
Quick, quick! we'll come dress you straight: put
on the gown the while.
Exit FALSTAFF
MISTRESS FORD
I would my husband would meet him in this shape: he
cannot abide the old woman of Brentford; he swears
she's a witch; forbade her my house and hath
threatened to beat her.
MISTRESS PAGE
Heaven guide him to thy husband's cudgel, and the
devil guide his cudgel afterwards!
MISTRESS FORD
But is my husband coming?
MISTRESS PAGE
Ah, in good sadness, is he; and talks of the basket
too, howsoever he hath had intelligence.
MISTRESS FORD
We'll try that; for I'll appoint my men to carry the
basket again, to meet him at the door with it, as
they did last time.
MISTRESS PAGE
Nay, but he'll be here presently: let's go dress him
like the witch of Brentford.
MISTRESS FORD
I'll first direct my men what they shall do with the
basket. Go up; I'll bring linen for him straight.
Exit
MISTRESS PAGE
Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse him enough.
We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do,
Wives may be merry, and yet honest too:
We do not act that often jest and laugh;
'Tis old, but true, Still swine eat all the draff.
Exit
Re-enter MISTRESS FORD with two Servants
MISTRESS FORD
Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders:
your master is hard at door; if he bid you set it
down, obey him: quickly, dispatch.
Exit
First Servant
Come, come, take it up.
Second Servant
Pray heaven it be not full of knight again.
First Servant
I hope not; I had as lief bear so much lead.
Enter FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS
FORD
Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any
way then to unfool me again? Set down the basket,
villain! Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket!
O you panderly rascals! there's a knot, a gang, a
pack, a conspiracy against me: now shall the devil
be shamed. What, wife, I say! Come, come forth!
Behold what honest clothes you send forth to bleaching!
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