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MARIA
Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent; or,
to be turned away, is not that as good as a hanging to you?
Clown
Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and,
for turning away, let summer bear it out.
MARIA
You are resolute, then?
Clown
Not so, neither; but I am resolved on two points.
MARIA
That if one break, the other will hold; or, if both
break, your gaskins fall.
Clown
Apt, in good faith; very apt. Well, go thy way; if
Sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a
piece of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria.
MARIA
Peace, you rogue, no more o' that. Here comes my
lady: make your excuse wisely, you were best.
Exit
Clown
Wit, an't be thy will, put me into good fooling!
Those wits, that think they have thee, do very oft
prove fools; and I, that am sure I lack thee, may
pass for a wise man: for what says Quinapalus?
'Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.'
Enter OLIVIA with MALVOLIO
God bless thee, lady!
OLIVIA
Take the fool away.
Clown
Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.
OLIVIA
Go to, you're a dry fool; I'll no more of you:
besides, you grow dishonest.
Clown
Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel
will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is
the fool not dry: bid the dishonest man mend
himself; if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if
he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Any thing
that's mended is but patched: virtue that
transgresses is but patched with sin; and sin that
amends is but patched with virtue. If that this
simple syllogism will serve, so; if it will not,
what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but
calamity, so beauty's a flower. The lady bade take
away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away.
OLIVIA
Sir, I bade them take away you.
Clown
Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus non
facit monachum; that's as much to say as I wear not
motley in my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to
prove you a fool.
OLIVIA
Can you do it?
Clown
Dexterously, good madonna.
OLIVIA
Make your proof.
Clown
I must catechise you for it, madonna: good my mouse
of virtue, answer me.
OLIVIA
Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I'll bide your proof.
Clown
Good madonna, why mournest thou?
OLIVIA
Good fool, for my brother's death.
Clown
I think his soul is in hell, madonna.
OLIVIA
I know his soul is in heaven, fool.
Clown
The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's
soul being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.
OLIVIA
What think you of this fool, Malvolio? doth he not mend?
MALVOLIO
Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him:
infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the
better fool.
Clown
God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the
better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be
sworn that I am no fox; but he will not pass his
word for two pence that you are no fool.
OLIVIA
How say you to that, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a
barren rascal: I saw him put down the other day
with an ordinary fool that has no more brain
than a stone. Look you now, he's out of his guard
already; unless you laugh and minister occasion to
him, he is gagged. I protest, I take these wise men,
that crow so at these set kind of fools, no better
than the fools' zanies.
OLIVIA
Oh, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste
with a distempered appetite. To be generous,
guiltless and of free disposition, is to take those
things for bird-bolts that you deem cannon-bullets:
there is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do
nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known discreet
man, though he do nothing but reprove.
Clown
Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou
speakest well of fools!
Re-enter MARIA
MARIA
Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much
desires to speak with you.
OLIVIA
From the Count Orsino, is it?
MARIA
I know not, madam: 'tis a fair young man, and well attended.
OLIVIA
Who of my people hold him in delay?
MARIA
Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman.
OLIVIA
Fetch him off, I pray you; he speaks nothing but
madman: fie on him!
Exit MARIA
Go you, Malvolio: if it be a suit from the count, I
am sick, or not at home; what you will, to dismiss it.
Exit MALVOLIO
Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and
people dislike it.
Clown
Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest
son should be a fool; whose skull Jove cram with
brains! for,--here he comes,--one of thy kin has a
most weak pia mater.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH
OLIVIA
By mine honour, half drunk. What is he at the gate, cousin?
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