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BIRON
For the following, sir?
COSTARD
As it shall follow in my correction: and God defend
the right!
FERDINAND
Will you hear this letter with attention?
BIRON
As we would hear an oracle.
COSTARD
Such is the simplicity of man to hearken after the flesh.
FERDINAND
[Reads] 'Great deputy, the welkin's vicegerent and
sole dominator of Navarre, my soul's earth's god,
and body's fostering patron.'
COSTARD
Not a word of Costard yet.
FERDINAND
[Reads] 'So it is,'--
COSTARD
It may be so: but if he say it is so, he is, in
telling true, but so.
FERDINAND
Peace!
COSTARD
Be to me and every man that dares not fight!
FERDINAND
No words!
COSTARD
Of other men's secrets, I beseech you.
FERDINAND
[Reads] 'So it is, besieged with sable-coloured
melancholy, I did commend the black-oppressing humour
to the most wholesome physic of thy health-giving
air; and, as I am a gentleman, betook myself to
walk. The time when. About the sixth hour; when
beasts most graze, birds best peck, and men sit down
to that nourishment which is called supper: so much
for the time when. Now for the ground which; which,
I mean, I walked upon: it is ycleped thy park. Then
for the place where; where, I mean, I did encounter
that obscene and preposterous event, that draweth
from my snow-white pen the ebon-coloured ink, which
here thou viewest, beholdest, surveyest, or seest;
but to the place where; it standeth north-north-east
and by east from the west corner of thy curious-
knotted garden: there did I see that low-spirited
swain, that base minnow of thy mirth,'--
COSTARD
Me?
FERDINAND
[Reads] 'that unlettered small-knowing soul,'--
COSTARD
Me?
FERDINAND
[Reads] 'that shallow vassal,'--
COSTARD
Still me?
FERDINAND
[Reads] 'which, as I remember, hight Costard,'--
COSTARD
O, me!
FERDINAND
[Reads] 'sorted and consorted, contrary to thy
established proclaimed edict and continent canon,
which with,--O, with--but with this I passion to say
wherewith,--
COSTARD
With a wench.
FERDINAND
[Reads] 'with a child of our grandmother Eve, a
female; or, for thy more sweet understanding, a
woman. Him I, as my ever-esteemed duty pricks me on,
have sent to thee, to receive the meed of
punishment, by thy sweet grace's officer, Anthony
Dull; a man of good repute, carriage, bearing, and
estimation.'
DULL
'Me, an't shall please you; I am Anthony Dull.
FERDINAND
[Reads] 'For Jaquenetta,--so is the weaker vessel
called which I apprehended with the aforesaid
swain,--I keep her as a vessel of the law's fury;
and shall, at the least of thy sweet notice, bring
her to trial. Thine, in all compliments of devoted
and heart-burning heat of duty.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO.'
BIRON
This is not so well as I looked for, but the best
that ever I heard.
FERDINAND
Ay, the best for the worst. But, sirrah, what say
you to this?
COSTARD
Sir, I confess the wench.
FERDINAND
Did you hear the proclamation?
COSTARD
I do confess much of the hearing it but little of
the marking of it.
FERDINAND
It was proclaimed a year's imprisonment, to be taken
with a wench.
COSTARD
I was taken with none, sir: I was taken with a damsel.
FERDINAND
Well, it was proclaimed 'damsel.'
COSTARD
This was no damsel, neither, sir; she was a virgin.
FERDINAND
It is so varied, too; for it was proclaimed 'virgin.'
COSTARD
If it were, I deny her virginity: I was taken with a maid.
FERDINAND
This maid will not serve your turn, sir.
COSTARD
This maid will serve my turn, sir.
FERDINAND
Sir, I will pronounce your sentence: you shall fast
a week with bran and water.
COSTARD
I had rather pray a month with mutton and porridge.
FERDINAND
And Don Armado shall be your keeper.
My Lord Biron, see him deliver'd o'er:
And go we, lords, to put in practise that
Which each to other hath so strongly sworn.
Exeunt FERDINAND, LONGAVILLE, and DUMAIN
BIRON
I'll lay my head to any good man's hat,
These oaths and laws will prove an idle scorn.
Sirrah, come on.
COSTARD
I suffer for the truth, sir; for true it is, I was
taken with Jaquenetta, and Jaquenetta is a true
girl; and therefore welcome the sour cup of
prosperity! Affliction may one day smile again; and
till then, sit thee down, sorrow!
Exeunt
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