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FALSTAFF
Do so, for it is worth the listening to. These nine
in buckram that I told thee of--
PRINCE HENRY
So, two more already.
FALSTAFF
Their points being broken,--
POINS
Down fell their hose.
FALSTAFF
Began to give me ground: but I followed me close,
came in foot and hand; and with a thought seven of
the eleven I paid.
PRINCE HENRY
O monstrous! eleven buckram men grown out of two!
FALSTAFF
But, as the devil would have it, three misbegotten
knaves in Kendal green came at my back and let drive
at me; for it was so dark, Hal, that thou couldst
not see thy hand.
PRINCE HENRY
These lies are like their father that begets them;
gross as a mountain, open, palpable. Why, thou
clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou
whoreson, obscene, grease tallow-catch,--
FALSTAFF
What, art thou mad? art thou mad? is not the truth
the truth?
PRINCE HENRY
Why, how couldst thou know these men in Kendal
green, when it was so dark thou couldst not see thy
hand? come, tell us your reason: what sayest thou to this?
POINS
Come, your reason, Jack, your reason.
FALSTAFF
What, upon compulsion? 'Zounds, an I were at the
strappado, or all the racks in the world, I would
not tell you on compulsion. Give you a reason on
compulsion! If reasons were as plentiful as
blackberries, I would give no man a reason upon
compulsion, I.
PRINCE HENRY
I'll be no longer guilty of this sin; this sanguine
coward, this bed-presser, this horseback-breaker,
this huge hill of flesh,--
FALSTAFF
'Sblood, you starveling, you elf-skin, you dried
neat's tongue, you bull's pizzle, you stock-fish! O
for breath to utter what is like thee! you
tailor's-yard, you sheath, you bowcase; you vile
standing-tuck,--
PRINCE HENRY
Well, breathe awhile, and then to it again: and
when thou hast tired thyself in base comparisons,
hear me speak but this.
POINS
Mark, Jack.
PRINCE HENRY
We two saw you four set on four and bound them, and
were masters of their wealth. Mark now, how a plain
tale shall put you down. Then did we two set on you
four; and, with a word, out-faced you from your
prize, and have it; yea, and can show it you here in
the house: and, Falstaff, you carried your guts
away as nimbly, with as quick dexterity, and roared
for mercy and still run and roared, as ever I heard
bull-calf. What a slave art thou, to hack thy sword
as thou hast done, and then say it was in fight!
What trick, what device, what starting-hole, canst
thou now find out to hide thee from this open and
apparent shame?
POINS
Come, let's hear, Jack; what trick hast thou now?
FALSTAFF
By the Lord, I knew ye as well as he that made ye.
Why, hear you, my masters: was it for me to kill the
heir-apparent? should I turn upon the true prince?
why, thou knowest I am as valiant as Hercules: but
beware instinct; the lion will not touch the true
prince. Instinct is a great matter; I was now a
coward on instinct. I shall think the better of
myself and thee during my life; I for a valiant
lion, and thou for a true prince. But, by the Lord,
lads, I am glad you have the money. Hostess, clap
to the doors: watch to-night, pray to-morrow.
Gallants, lads, boys, hearts of gold, all the titles
of good fellowship come to you! What, shall we be
merry? shall we have a play extempore?
PRINCE HENRY
Content; and the argument shall be thy running away.
FALSTAFF
Ah, no more of that, Hal, an thou lovest me!
Enter Hostess
Hostess
O Jesu, my lord the prince!
PRINCE HENRY
How now, my lady the hostess! what sayest thou to
me?
Hostess
Marry, my lord, there is a nobleman of the court at
door would speak with you: he says he comes from
your father.
PRINCE HENRY
Give him as much as will make him a royal man, and
send him back again to my mother.
FALSTAFF
What manner of man is he?
Hostess
An old man.
FALSTAFF
What doth gravity out of his bed at midnight? Shall
I give him his answer?
PRINCE HENRY
Prithee, do, Jack.
FALSTAFF
'Faith, and I'll send him packing.
Exit FALSTAFF
PRINCE HENRY
Now, sirs: by'r lady, you fought fair; so did you,
Peto; so did you, Bardolph: you are lions too, you
ran away upon instinct, you will not touch the true
prince; no, fie!
BARDOLPH
'Faith, I ran when I saw others run.
PRINCE HENRY
'Faith, tell me now in earnest, how came Falstaff's
sword so hacked?
PETO
Why, he hacked it with his dagger, and said he would
swear truth out of England but he would make you
believe it was done in fight, and persuaded us to do the like.
BARDOLPH
Yea, and to tickle our noses with spear-grass to
make them bleed, and then to beslubber our garments
with it and swear it was the blood of true men. I
did that I did not this seven year before, I blushed
to hear his monstrous devices.
PRINCE HENRY
O villain, thou stolest a cup of sack eighteen years
ago, and wert taken with the manner, and ever since
thou hast blushed extempore. Thou hadst fire and
sword on thy side, and yet thou rannest away: what
instinct hadst thou for it?
BARDOLPH
My lord, do you see these meteors? do you behold
these exhalations?
PRINCE HENRY
I do.
BARDOLPH
What think you they portend?
PRINCE HENRY
Hot livers and cold purses.
BARDOLPH
Choler, my lord, if rightly taken.
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