The Disabled Debauchee

As some brave admiral, in former war,
    Deprived of force, but pressed with courage still,
Two rival fleets appearing from afar,
    Crawls to the top of an adjacent hill;

From whence, with thoughts full of concern, he views
    The wise and daring conduct of the fight,
Whilst each bold action to his mind renews
    His present glory, and his past delight;

From his fierce eyes, flashes of rage he throws,
    As from black clouds when lightning breaks away,
Transported, thinks himself amidst his foes,
    And absent yet enjoys the bloody day;

So when my days of impotence approach,
    And I'm by pox and wine's unlucky chance,
Forced from the pleasing billows of debauch,
    On the dull shore of lazy temperance,

My pains at last some respite shall afford,
    While I behold the battles you maintain,
When fleets of glasses sail about the board,
    From whose broadsides volleys of wit shall rain.

Nor let the sight of honourable scars,
    Which my too-forward valour did procure,
Frighten new-listed soldiers from the wars.
    Past joys have more than paid what I endure.

Should any youth (worth being drunk) prove nice,
    And from his fair inviters meanly shrink,
'Twill please the ghost of my departed vice,
    If at my counsel he repent and drink.

Or should some cold-complexioned sot forbid,
    With his dull morals, our bold night-alarms,
I'll fire his blood by telling what I did,
    When I was strong and able to bear arms.

I'll tell of whores attacked, their lords at home,
    Bawds' quarters beaten up, and fortress won,
Windows demolished, watches overcome,
    And handsome ills by my contrivance done.

Nor shall our love-fits, Chloris, be forgot,
    When each the well-looked link-boy strove t' enjoy,
And the best kiss was the deciding lot:
    Whether the boy fucked you, or I the boy.

With tales like these I will such thoughts inspire,
    As to important mischief shall incline.
I'll make them long some ancient church to fire,
    And fear no lewdness they're called to by wine.

Thus statesman-like, I'll saucily impose,
    And safe from danger valiantly advise,
Sheltered in impotence, urge you to blows,
    And being good for nothing else, be wise.