AMPHITHEUS
No! I am an immortal! Amphitheus was the son of Ceres and
Triptolemus; of him was born Celeus. Celeus wedded Phaenerete, my
grandmother, whose son was Lucinus, and, being born of him I am an
immortal; it is to me alone that the gods have entrusted the duty of
treating with the Lacedaemonians. But, citizens, though I am immortal,
I am dying of hunger; the Prytanes give me naught.[1]
f[1] Amongst other duties, it was the office of the Prytanes to look after
the wants of the poor.
A PRYTANIS
Guards!
AMPHITHEUS
Oh, Triptolemus and Ceres, do ye thus forsake your own blood?
DICAEOPOLIS
Prytanes, in expelling this citizen, you are offering an outrage
to the Assembly. He only desired to secure peace for us and to sheathe
the sword.
PRYTANIS
Sit down and keep silence!
DICAEOPOLIS
No, by Apollo, I will not, unless you are going to discuss the
question of peace.
HERALD
The ambassadors, who are returned from the Court of the King!
DICAEOPOLIS
Of what King? I am sick of all those fine birds, the peacock
ambassadors and their swagger.
HERALD
Silence!
DICAEOPOLIS
Oh! oh! by Ecbatana,[1] what a costume!
f[1] The summer residence of the Great King.
AN AMBASSADOR
During the archonship of Euthymenes, you sent us to the Great King
on a salary of two drachmae per diem.
DICAEOPOLIS
Ah! those poor drachmae!
AMBASSADOR
We suffered horribly on the plains of the Cayster, sleeping under a tent,
stretched deliciously on fine chariots, half dead with weariness.
DICAEOPOLIS
And I was very much at ease, lying on the straw along the
battlements![1]
f[1] Referring to the hardships he had endured garrisoning the walls of
Athens during the Lacedaemonian invasions early in the War.
AMBASSADOR
Everywhere we were well received and forced to drink delicious
wine out of golden or crystal flagons....
DICAEOPOLIS
Oh, city of Cranaus,[1] thy ambassadors are laughing at thee!
f[1] Cranaus, the second king of Athens, the successor of Cecrops.
AMBASSADOR
For great feeders and heavy drinkers are alone esteemed as men
by the barbarians.
DICAEOPOLIS
Just as here in Athens, we only esteem the most drunken debauchees.
AMBASSADOR
At the end of the fourth year we reached the King's Court, but
he had left with his whole army to ease himself, and for the space of
eight months he was thus easing himself in the midst of the golden
mountains.[1]
f[1] Lucian, in his 'Hermotimus,' speaks of these golden mountains as an
apocryphal land of wonders and prodigies.
DICAEOPOLIS
And how long was he replacing his dress?
AMBASSADOR
The whole period of a full moon; after which he returned to his palace;
then he entertained us and had us served with oxen roasted whole
in an oven.
DICAEOPOLIS
Who ever saw an oxen baked in an oven? What a lie!
AMBASSADOR
On my honour, he also had us served with a bird three
times as large as Cleonymus,[1] and called the Boaster.
f[1] Cleonymus was an Athenian general of exceptionally tall stature;
Aristophanes incessantly rallies him for his cowardice; he had cast away
his buckler in a fight.
DICAEOPOLIS
And do we give you two drachmae, that you should treat us to all
this humbug?
AMBASSADOR
We are bringing to you Pseudartabas[1], the King's Eye.
f[1] A name borne by certain officials of the King of Persia. The actor of
this part wore a mask, fitted with a single eye of great size.
DICAEOPOLIS
I would a crow might pluck out thine with his beak, you cursed
ambassador!
HERALD
The King's Eye!
DICAEOPOLIS
Eh! Great Gods! Friend, with thy great eye, round like the hole through
which the oarsman passes his sweep, you have the air of a galley
doubling a cape to gain port.
AMBASSADOR
Come, Pseudartabas, give forth the message for the Athenians
with which you were charged by the Great King.
PSEUDARTABAS
Jartaman exarx 'anapissonia satra.[1]
f[1] Jargon, no doubt meaningless in all languages.
AMBASSADOR
Do you understand what he says?
DICAEOPOLIS
By Apollo, not I!
AMBASSADOR (TO THE PRYTANES)
He says that the Great King will send you gold. Come, utter the word 'gold' louder and more distinctly.
PSEUDARTABAS
Thou shalt not have gold, thou gaping-arsed Ionian.[1]
f[1] The Persians styled all Greeks 'Ionians' without distinction; here
the Athenians are intended.
DICAEOPOLIS
Ah! may the gods forgive me, but that is clear enough!
AMBASSADOR
What does he say?
DICAEOPOLIS
That the Ionians are debauchees and idiots, if they expect to receive
gold from the barbarians.
AMBASSADOR
Not so, he speaks of medimni[1] of gold.
f[1] A Greek measure, containing about six modii.
DICAEOPOLIS
What medimni? Thou are but a great braggart; but get your way; I
will find out the truth by myself. Come now, answer me clearly, if you
do not wish me to dye your skin red. Will the Great King send us gold?
(PSEUDARTABAS MAKES A NEGATIVE SIGN.) Then our ambassadors
are seeking to deceive us? (PSEUDARTABAS SIGNS AFFIRMATIVELY.)
These fellows make signs like any Greek; I am sure that they are
nothing but Athenians. Oh! ho! I recognize one of these eunuchs; it is
Clisthenes, the son of Sibyrtius.[1] Behold the effrontery of this shaven
rump! How! great baboon, with such a beard do you seek to play the
eunuch to us? And this other one? Is it not Straton?
f[1] Noted for his extreme ugliness and his obscenity. Aristophanes
frequently holds him to scorn in his comedies.
HERALD
Silence! Let all be seated. The Senate invites the King's Eye to the
Prytaneum.[1]
f[1] Ambassadors were entertained there at the public expense.
DICAEOPOLIS
Is this not sufficient to drive one to hang oneself? Here I
stand chilled to the bone, whilst the doors of the Prytaneum fly
wide open to lodge such rascals. But I will do something great and
bold. Where is Amphitheus? Come and speak with me.
AMPHITHEUS
Here I am.
DICAEOPOLIS
Take these eight drachmae and go and conclude a truce with the
Lacedaemonians for me, my wife and my children; I leave you free,
my dear citizens, to send out embassies and to stand gaping in the air.
HERALD
Bring in Theorus, who has returned from the Court of Sitalces.[1]
f[1] King of Thrace.
THEORUS
I am here.
DICAEOPOLIS
Another humbug!
THEORUS
We should not have remained long in Thrace...
DICAEOPOLIS
Forsooth, no, if you had not been well paid.
THEORUS
...if the country had not been covered with snow; the rivers were
ice-bound at the time that Theognis[1] brought out his tragedy here;
during the whole of that time I was holding my own with
Sitalces, cup in hand; and, in truth, he adored you to such a degree,
that he wrote on the walls, "How beautiful are the Athenians!" His
son, to whom we gave the freedom of the city, burned with desire to
come here and eat chitterlings at the feast of the Apaturia;[2] he prayed
his father to come to the aid of his new country and Sitalces swore on
his goblet that he would succour us with such a host that the Athenians
would exclaim, "What a cloud of grasshoppers!"
f[1] The tragic poet.
f[2] A feast lasting three days and celebrated during the month Pyanepsion
(November). The Greek word contains the suggestion of fraud.
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